Sun has risen again. Even though to some it seemed almost impossible, given the last events. The dragon was slumbering inside the volcano, fumes of volcanic sativa slowly rose from Bannica and only a lazy column of smoke above the mountain reminded people of the recent minor apocalypse.
With the sun rising, citizens of Bannica were also rising from their beds. They brushed their teeth with yet sleepy eyes, set up kettles – yes, they use kettles, only barbarians microwave water – and rolled first, morning joints.
Far away from the city crowd, on the border of the forest, stood a lonely house. Windows turned to the distant shore of the sea, were flooded with sunlight that lit a warm wooden interior. The fragrance of morning coffee and smoke of the first morning joint dwelt lazily over the kitchen, following a big and chunky gentleman, who was just preparing his morning breakfast.
Coffee jug was full and contained around three liters of that godly drink. He took the jug to the porch and put it on the table along with a masterly crafted porcelain cup. Then he went to his garden, stopped over a watermelon field, took a big puff of his favourite weed and started knocking on watermelons with his trunk, that’s how Elephant checked which one is ripe.
When he finally found one meeting his expectations he took it to the kitchen and sliced into small fancy pieces, put them on a big plate and finally grabbed his favourite romance, “Chomky Paradise”. Feeling like he forgot something he returned to the kitchen to find laying on the ground, his favourite Bannacis Flip Flops. Every step in his Bannacis Flip Flops reminded him of all the good times he had with his many girlfriends and boyfriends.
Life was good, he finally sat on the porch, took a good look at fields stretching from his porch and ending on the shore, took last puff and grabbed a watermelon. It was his favourite part of the day, no bother. Just weed, watermelon, coffee and “Chomky Paradise”. After a few bites he felt like coffee so he grabbed the jug and filled porcelain cup. Then he tried to grab it, but it slipped his moisty and sticky from watermelon juices fingers and fell on the floor, shattering into hundreds of pieces.
- Bank! – he said, which is “fuck” in Bannican. – I’ll clean that later.
He then sank his trunk directly in the jug and emptied it at once. Coffee filled his nostrils and then went into his mouth. – Mmmm, that’s what I call morning coffee. – He said to himself, energized suddenly.
It was time for another one. So he did the thing, lit the joint and placed it in his nostril. It was convenient not to use hands. Then he opened the book and before he got to reading, he had taken one more look over the horizon. His gaze rested for a while on an awakened volcano and the column of smoke rising from it. Then he started reading.
***
The volcano was the newest sensation all over Bannica. People have been watching it while eating breakfast, driving to work, smoking joints. It’s tall smoke was visible even in the dense forest surrounding the city, somehow this view slipped through the treetops and through a small window in the treehouse. Blockhead was sometimes speaking at this nuance while rolling the morning joint and repeating his lines.
- Top of the morning to you, fine sir, I hope you are enjoying it. I am certain that due to your motion inconvenience you are again short on porcelain, therefore I come bearing those tiny gifts as tokens of my friendship... He uttered for the tenth time with a perfect accent, lit his joint and took a long look at the volcano.
***
Yes, volcano was the recent hot subject, and we all know, that recently warm temperatures have major impact not only on news column, but also on the environment. And so, the hot weed volcano fumes slowly arose to upper parts of the atmosphere and done it’s greenhouse magic. I really have no idea how it works, I was high on most of the geography lessons, but the warmth of distant volcano travelled many miles, over the seas to the land covered with ice. And even though it was awfully cold there, on the thousands of years old frozen surface cracks started to show. Was it really a volcano or only coincidence - we’ll never know. Or was it this fucking squirell that at the same moment tried to pin single nut into the ice... What a stupid squirell, trying to stick nuts into the glaciar. Anyway, cracks appeared and contrary to fairy tales, a squirrel fell inside. It was falling for a while and then in half a second got crushed by hundreds of tons of the ice masses working against each other.
Noone was there to witness this personal tragedy, a micro apocalypse. Noone even heard the thunderous crack that was carried for miles through the open seas. And then, when ice that stood together for over a hundred thousand years finally departed and fell slowly into the seas. Only giants fall that way, slowly to the appearance, like it was hard to move every tone. But then they accelerate and when they finally touch the surface, the whole world trembles. Giant ice cap got cradled by the foamed arms of the sea and sent news about it’s departure on the waves of a couple tsunamis.
But let’s focus on an even more interesting event here. When the giant piece of ice fell into the water, it trembled again and cracked in many places. One of the cracks, rather small, separated a tiny ice cube and sent it with enormous speed into the open seas.
Ice cube travelled for days getting smaller and smaller, slowly revealing it’s interesting inside. And finally it arrived at the shores of Bannica. Now, not much bigger than a tall man, it laid on the warm beach and started to melt rapidly. And it finally freed something that lay conserved in ice for a hundred thousand years.
Now, finally the sun shined on it for the first time in our millennium, at the same time when Elephant shattered the next porcelain cup and Blockhead repeated his litany.
***
Later that day Elephant was preparing watermelon for dinner when the doorbell rang. He opened and looked around to find noone. Then he heard coughing from ground level. It was Blockhead.
- Tttop ooof the mm mor ning tttt- he stuttered for awhile then just said – Bank! – which is “fuck” in Bannican.
- Blockhead! Good to see you!
- You, you too, I hooope you you eeenjo.... – Blockhead struggled to continue so Elephant just cut in,
- I see you still have that thing? Come inside I’ll roll one so we can talk!
- Ggggreat iiidea.
They walked in, Blockhead resigned from uttering his whole litany even though he’s been preparing it for the whole morning. Instead, he put a new cup on the table.
- He he here!
Elephant looked at it and sighted with awe.
- Oh! A cup! How fancy! – He grabbed it with his big hands and then carefully put it on his head – Look! And now it’s a hat! – And he clapped. Then cup slipped from his head and started falling, but at last moment Blockhead grabbed it,
- Fuck I just brough it man! – He screamed perfectly clearly.
- Blockhead!
- So so sorry. I mmean, bbbbank!
- That’s better. Oh, you know, I couldn’t resist myself, sorry for that. Come sit, I’ll roll you a big juicy joint...
While the big guy was doing the Thing, Blockhead watched with his mind somewhere else. He finally gathered his thoughts,
- Eeee eleee
- Yes?
- Wwwwhy we sssay Bank, iiinstead ooof...
- Of the real word?
- Yeye yes.
- Well that’s obvious. We don’t want to get R rated.
- Oooh.
Elephant finally rolled a big juicy joint and lit it. They went to the porch to enjoy the view. After taking a few puffs Blockhead started looking more relaxed.
- Uuuf, ttthat’s bett tter. – he passed the joint to his friend.
- You know I've been wondering... – Elephant started,
- Hmmm?
- Weed makes you stutter less, yes?
- Yees.
- Maybe there is strain that will stop it completely?
- Hmmm, I I I ssmoked pplenty aand soome wwork better, yyes. Bbut nevver totally. – Blockhead grabbed the joint and took a big puff. He exhaled it with visible relief.
- Gggod shit bro.
- Yeah, my personal blend. – Elephant took another one and passed the joint again. – So I’ve been thinking.
- Yes? – Blockheads speech abilities were rising with the amount of cannabis in his body.
- Maybe let’s find a blend that can cure you totally?
- Tthat wwould be great. Bbut I tried many already...
- Hmm, - another puff – let me think – and another one.
Thinking prolonged for the whole afternoon while they were smoking Elephant’s blend and thinking about varieties of weed Blockhead already tried. To stretch their legs and keep juices flowing they decided to take a walk. So Elephant packed a few watermelons, Blockhead rolled some joints, and they set off.
- Strawnaanna na
Sun already passed its highest when Blockhead and Elephant strolled through the beach.
- Hmm, I remember that – Elephant was devouring his third watermelon today – It has this strange aftertaste...
- Rrrich tanines, deep red reflexes, ss strong on the ttip of ttthe tongue – Blockhead recited weed properties – tttt he Bbest grows on the eeast quarter, I I eespecialy fancy – he took a big puff to master his tongue – 2017 barreled...
- Yeah and that aftertaste – Elephant wanted to shine a bit too with his eloquence – it’s like strawbery and banana at once and geee idk, seems almost wrong but not totally... Like,
- Like ppputtinng pineaple on pizza?
- Nah more like kissing distant cousin... On the lips... But distant!
With that sinking in, they were silent for a while.
-What about AK? – Elephant wanted to revive conversation
- Gggod sshit, but tto strong ffor me. I feeel like seeeing tth through the wwalls.
- Oh yeah man I know that, you ever tried Blueberry AK? It’s much smoother.
- I I I’ll have to try it then...
- Lemon skunk?
- I’ve heard it p plows yo your head, nnever tried it...
- Oh man, your loss. I mean this stuff could give you PTSD and another stutter and still be worth the high...
- Ssso you met them?
- Only once, I’ve been on a walk and I wandered too far. Next thing I know I’m laying with the Skunk in some bushes totally high.
- Ccool.
And so went this experience exchange until the sun got close to the water. They were almost turning back to Elephant’s house when Blockhead noticed something strange on the beach. From afar it looked like a walrus dancing on a rock. But when they approached, what once appeared to be walrus now was revealed as a strange looking man sitting on a rock and shivering rapidly. He had a long and dense beard, messy hair and was wearing only one piece of clothing tied across his body. After closer look it had to be a pelt from some unique animal, endangered for sure.
When they finally approached they noticed that a trembling man was holding in his hands something between mace and pipe. He had one piece in his mouth and another was filled with some green stuff. From the size of it, it was easy to guess that the pipe could be converted into a weapon in case of emergency. Using his shivering hands he tried to light his enormous pipe by hitting two rocks against each other, with rather poor score...
- You think he’s on weed hunger? – Elephant asked his friend discreetly.
- Or he’s just ccold...
- And he’s trying to light the pipe with two rocks? Man I don’t remember when I was this high... – Elephant whispered and then approached the man. – Excuse me sir? Do you need help?
Man looked at him confused. He took the pipe from his mouth and said with his teeth ringing
- Gorg? - Only this. And then he extended a pipe to Elephant.
Our big fella shrugged his shoulders and took the gift. Examined it carefully and then sniffed the stuff.
- Hmm, I’ve never met such fragrance... – he sniffed it again – hmmm very interesting.
The man started to look nervous, - Gorg! – he exclaimed.
- I I I tthink he wwants you to lit tt it. – Blockhead shared his observation.
- Yeah I think so too...
Finally the Elephant made the decision. He grabbed the lighter, closed it to the pipe and lit. And then the man exploded. Figuratively. He started jumping and pointing at the lighter.
- Gorg! Gorg! – He screamed. Elephant and Blockhead looked at each other with doubt arising in them whether it’s a good idea to give him more of that stuff. – Gorg! Gorg! –He was running around and screaming.
- All right, bank it – said Elephant – I don’t care if he OD’s. Maybe it will calm him. - So he lit the pipe and took a big puff. It was a lot of weed. He exhaled it through his trunk as usually he does when tasting new strain.
- Ugh...man that is – Elephant struggled for a while to find the right words, then he surrendered and took another one, and then it came – Primal! That shit is primal, check it.
Blockhead took a pipe almost as big as him and puffed. In the meantime Elephant was still struggling with a new sensation. – suddenly, I want to run around the fire and humm...
Blockhead finally exhaled and while a stream of white air was leaving his lungs he was certain that he heard distant drums. – Indeed my friend, the feeling is sublime, yet full of primal energy. I have a sudden urge to dance naked and mate with so-called by da boys, bitches. Or as I prefer, wenches.
Elephant stood there, on the beach at sunset and couldn’t believe his big ears. He knew Blockhead for years and he could never utter one sentence without any stutter. And now he was declaiming with a perfect accent. His little friend was also stunned by this new ability of his, even petrified for he didn’t move any muscle when the strange man that for awhile was dancing around them after discovering lighter, now took the pipe from Blockhead’s hands.
- Gorg! – he cried with joy and took such a strong puff, the pipe lit like a second sun. When he exhaled a little cloud arose from his mouth and flew up to join it’s siblings on the skies.
They all stood for a while, Blockhead was afraid to say anything out of fear his stutter would come back. Elephant stroked his trunk deep in thought. Strange man slowly stopped shivering apparently warmed by the weed.
- Okay, say something – Big fella put a stop to this silent moment, - anything!
- The thing is, my dear colleague, that I have not much to talk since I usually struggle to vocalize my needs in the store that sells only one product...
- Holy banking moly stravioli – Elephant was stunned. – We found it!
- We found what? Could you elaborate, please?
- The strain! Strain that can cure you!
- Well now when you point it out I must agree, praised by the day! And you – Blockhead turned to the man – thousand thanks to you, my dear fellow.
- Gorg? – The man was a bit confused.
- I doubt he understands us... – Elephant stroked his trunk again, thinking about the origin of this guy,
- Well I ddoubt tthat ttoo - Blockhead started talking but when he discovered his stutter was coming back he totally lost hope - ttthatt tha ttt.... bank! Bank! Bank!
- Don’t give up my dear, here, take another one.
So our little square guy took another one.
- Blessed be havens and this holy grass – he said with awe – It’s gone! Again.
- Now we know it’s only temporary...
- Gorg.
- Indeed Mr... Gorg?
- Gorg.
- Could you point us to the supply of such an exquisite strain of cannabis?
And even though Mr Gorg was a bit confused he handed to them a little leathery bag and said,
- Gorg?
Bag wasn’t big and it was already half empty.
- Looks like he only has this much.
- Bbut for sure- Blockhead was stuttering again – there is more ffrom wwheree hhe comes?
And then they started to really wonder about the country of origin of Mr Gorg.
- Maybe- Elephant said with visible confusion and certain fear of sounding too silly – maybe hm... never mind.
-Wwhat? C’mon, say it.
- Well, I’ve been thinking. He has this pelt... and mace. And for sure he never saw barber.
- Oor lighter!
- Precisely. And even though we have summer he was shivering... So maybe...
- Aha?
- Maybe he is a caveman that was frozen in an iceberg and now got unfreeze?
Blockhead thought for a while. For sure the idea of Mr Gorg being a thousands of years old caveman was a bit surreal. But again, he was just talking with a three eyed elephant himself being square headed guy so... - pposible – he said. And for that realization to sink in, he pulled out a previously rolled joint and lit it. Caveman again started to jump around
- Gorg! Gorg!/
- All right, let’s take him home. I’ll give him a welcome to the XXI century gift.
- A wwater mmelon?
- Yep.
But Caveman didn’t want to leave the beach. He was running around and screaming,
- Gorg! Gorg!
- I tthink hhe sss loking ffor something.
- But what?
They found an answer to that swiftly, when Gorg noticed something on the shore and ran to that. They followed him and discovered that the thing the caveman was looking for was a tiny dinosaur. It was shaking on the sand, ice was still attached to it at some places. Caveman took care of the creature, while the guys thought of a way to help.
- It’s so shaky, they must have really been frozen...
- Iii tthink I I I know what ccan help...
And without further explanation he took out his rolling kit and did the thing. Then he lit a pretty juicy joint and extended it to a lying pet.
- Here little fella, this will warm ya,
Blockhead put a joint in dinosaurs mouth and even though it had to be a few millenias after the last time, old reflexes kicked in and the pet started suckings on the blant.
After a few puffs it stopped shaking and stood up.
- Gorg! – Caveman cried aloud with joy.
- Oi! – said dinosaur.
- Itt sspeaks!
- And I think it’s British... – Elephant noticed with a bitter note in his voice.
- Oi!
- Yep, it’s British.
- Well, nno shshame in that!
- Oh yeah, sure. It’s just...
- What?
- Well, again, they came first. It appears...
- Oh... yeah. Pitty. – Blockhead summed it up with a plain voice. Apparently he was cosmopolitan. – Llet’s ttake them home.
Discovering agriculture
Journey home was particularly difficult. Mr Caveman was excited about everything he saw, even asphalt. When they were passing the cornfield he couldn’t bear in his mind so many food sources in one place, Elephant had to share with him his last watermelon to talk Gorg into walking further. In other case for sure he would chose to stay there until he eats everything.
When they finally arrived, talking him into entering home was equally hard. First he studied the concept of doors for a while and then when they finally entered there were too many things causing constant panic. When Elephant put kettle on the stove Gorg panicked seeing fire. When Blockhead visited toilet and flushed after all - Gorg panicked. He probably thought it’s a flood. Finally when the radio was turned on Gorg, filled with fear, started gathering shining items like forks, clocks, paintings and fruits and displaying them before it. Apparently he decided to praise the radio as a god.
They all were tired so finally Elephant took Gorg outside and let him stay in an old shed on the backyard. Which was more than enough for him. He went inside, saw a bed made of piled straws and laid on it exhaling air as he just finished a ten hour shift in his corporate job.
Elephant went outside, it was already late and he was tired. But before he called it a day he went into his living room, sat on an armchair and rolled a thick joint. When tasty smoke was rising to the ceiling, he grabbed a rotating phone on a table next to him and dialed the number. It took a few impulses before someone on the other side picked up. There was no answer.
- Profesor? I have something that might interest you...
***
Next day Elephant was awakened by Blockhead roaming the kitchen. When he entered, the coffee was already in a jug and the little square guy was just finishing cutting watermelons, what a nice surprise - Elephant thought taking the jug to the porch in his favorite flip flops. Blockhead brought the rest and they sat to have a meal. There was no sign of the caveman, but Elephant had this rule, that before morning joint which happened after morning coffee and watermelon, he simply didn’t care.
When they finished meal it was time to roll. Elephant took out his rolling equipment and was prepared to do the Thing when Blockhead noticed something far away.
- Lllok, s someone’s coming!
Elephant took his eyes from the weed and looked.
- Oh, it’s him.
- Hhhim?
- Yeah. I’ve been thinking what to do with our caveman and his kush and I decided that we won’t manage this on our own.
- Cccorect.
- So I called this guy who is like really into science. Let’s hope he’ll be able to help.
His vehicle was still far away so they managed to roll two juicy ones before he finally arrived. It was a strange looking van with many antennas and other things sticking out. When the car was parked, a strange looking guy came out. He had white lab robe, white messy hair sticking out in every direction and he was holding a small bong in his hands. First thing he did was to take a big puff, exhale and tremble. Then he screamed,
- Science bitches! I have been awake for three days now and I’m ready to fight god! Horton! How good to see ya!
Elephant came forth opening his arms for a hug,
- Call me Horton one more time old man and I will divide your ass by zero.
- Hua hua, someone was listening in class, good for you my little umpa lupa. – and then they hugged. Science guy looked at Blockhead.
- And aren’t you a nuance! I bet Einstein came up with his relativity theory when he saw your head and he was like “square, it must be square”.
Blockhead was never fond of comments about his physiognomy, and he always reacted a bit aggressively. That is why he moved to the forest, where there were no managers and coworkers asking themselves to crush their heads by the door after slashing their tendons in their legs. It was just more convenient. And now he was almost imagining nailing (literally) the Science Guy to the porch,
- I I wwil ggive you square you banking white hedgehog you you you...
Elephant had to ease the situation. So he just lit the joint and forced it into Blockhead’s mouth who sucked on it like a crying baby sucks on mommy’s tit.
- Gentlemen, peace! Mad be nice to Blockhead if not him I wouldn’t even tell ya about all that so be nice.
They all seemed to calm down so it was time for introductions,
- Nnnice tto meet you, Maaad.
- Feelings are mutual.
Elephant was certain they were all good, but as all geniuses, when Mad Scientist had an idea he just had to make it real. Whether it's a calculator that actually divides by zero or just a punchline. So he took another puff from his bong, exhaled and said,
-So, we square?
***A few hours later super science ointment was still working on nail wounds. Mad Scientist wasn’t even mad, he had it coming but oh boy was it worth it? He was smiling bitterly while looking at a new tenant of Elephant’s residence. They all stood confused in the center of something that once was a watermelon field. When they finally tended to Mad’s wounds he asked,
- Where is our thousand year old senior?
So they took him to the backyard and beheld horror. Apparently, when Gorg woke up he saw all those watermelons and decided to eat them. All of them. When Elephant saw it he stopped, took a deep breath, closed his eyes, and as he was standing he pulled out equipment and rolled quickly one boy with his eyes still closed. Then he lit it, smoked it all and only then he opened his eyes.
- There was this cool guy, I liked him. One day he visited me and we’ve been smoking top shelf stuff all day. When we got hungry we came here and we ate watermelons on the site, where we picked them for we were so high it was impossible to take those big juicy and chunky sweet balls back home. After that day he had written his best song about going to watermelon fields. – when Elephant was telling his story he rolled another one. This time slowly, without haste. He distributed stuff evenly, stroked it a bit, licked paper and rolled it with almost religious devotion.
– If he would hear, that some caveman from stone age melted, came to my field with his dinosaur pet, carrying the last ounce of forgotten weed and ate all my watermelons cause he simply do not understand the concept of agriculture and don’t knows, that those watermelons could just grow here unbothered and he could pick them up every time he gets hungry... – He lit the joint, took one big puff, kept it in his lungs and exhaled through his trunk. And then he smiled – If he could hear that story, he would just chuckle and say, “man, really? That would make a great song.” But he won’t do it, ever. His name was John Lime and he’s no longer with us, same as those watermelons.
***
They sat all together in the kitchen. Caveman chose sitting on the floor because he was a bit suspicious of those inventions called chairs. His dinosaur didn’t mind though and hopped on the table. There, they displaced all remaining Caveman’s stuff and Mad started studying it.
First he took a big puff from his bong, - for science – he said. Then he used some device with many lenses and a flashlight and started examining it.
- Indeed unusual thing... I’m a bit afraid that this weed was used to certain conditions, no longer occurring on earth.
- Wwhat? – Blockhead looked disapointed.
- Gorg? ,
- When this guy was roaming the earth, air had a different ratio of oxygen to...
- All right all right – Elephant started – By the way, how is he managing to breathe?
- Hmm, looks like the amount of weed he inhaled allows him to breathe our air... most curious. I should perform some experiments... But back to our weed. We won’t be able to grow it in the open air but I’ll think of something...
When the meeting was concluded they all rolled a few tasty joints and cut a couple of watermelons that survived Caveman’s carnage.
- So – Elephant pointed his trunk holding a watermelon in Mad’s direction. – what you gonna do -Then he put the juicy piece in his mouth. Mad was in the middle of smoking from his bong so it took a while before he was ready to speak.
- There are two options...
- Yeah?
- First one, we build a super advanced greenhouse. And mimic conditions from ten thousand years ago. The air, the soil... and I have to duplicate seeds…
- Seems like a lot of work...
- Yeah, there is the second.
- And?
- Much easier.
- Well?
Mad took out from his pocket a small device resembling a gun. He gathered some caveman’s kush and put it in a container attached to the gun. And then he gave it to Blockhead.
- Here, I calibrated it so you should land close to the weed.
- Wwhat is that?
- Portal gun?
- Portal gun?
- Yep. Pretty easy to make. Just take it outside, shoot and the portal opens. It will take you to this weed age. Go there whenever you’re short on weed. But be carefull! So nothing comes back with you!
For a while they all looked shocked. Portal through space and time and Mad was treating it like an old microwave.
- So how many of these you have – Elephant asked out of curiosity.
- I think a dozen..? I don’t remember...
- Aaand wwhat youu ddo with these? Like nnormally?
- Oh sometimes I go back to more sunny years when weed was better. Or when I want a particular bottle of wine.
- Wouldn’t it be easier to just stash wine in some place and then open portal to said place but in the future so the wine’s better?
- Nah, they already covered this idea and it was lame.
Through space and time
Blockhead took the portal gun outside. They all followed him. He looked at the gun and then at others. Elephant came forth and said,
- I’ll go with you, in case there are dinosaurs.
- I’ll stay here in case I need to rescue you. Oh and take Gorg with you. - Mad said between one puff and another.
- Gorg?
- Yeah he won’t do good here...
They all looked at Gorg who was trying to pick his nose with scissors.
- Yeah, probably.
Blockhead pointed the gun over the field and shot. A small ray of green light flew a couple of meters, then stopped and changed into a green oval portal.
Gorg looked at him and then at the portal. He was terrified of this new invention.
- I think he won’t pass through the portal...
Elephant put an end to this little crisis by simply taking his last watermelon, showing it to the Caveman and then throwing it through the portal. Gorg sprang from the place he was standing like a dog and jumped into the portal. His pet followed.
- Time for us – said big fella. He put his hand on Blockeahd’s shoulder. They crossed the portal together.
***
At first they were spinning. Then they were just flying through a long tube. Then they saw stars passing and finally it got so dark they saw nothing. And then they hit the ground.
- Ttthat wwas quite a rride.
- I think you can get used to it. Somehow...
When they finally managed to stand straight they started looking around. Air smelled slightly different, but the forest surrounding them didn’t look “ancient”. Trees were tall and more exotic, that’s all.
- Bbbig fforest...
- Yeah, they didn’t invent saws yet...
They started looking around for weed. When their ears adjusted to prehistoric birds and other sounds they noticed strange noises coming from one direction. There was nothing else to do so they followed it and after an hour they reached a vast meadow. And on that meadow they saw something they least expected to see in a stone age. ,
It was a party. Gorg was there, dancing with other cavemans and small dinosaurs. But beside them there also were others.
A levitating lizard with a wizard's cap and a bong was flying all around and exhaling big clouds of weed smoke. There were two dragons, pink and purple, laying in the shade of big trees. Couple of aliens, one of them had loudspeakers and was playing Eminem. There were also small monkeys running around and one gorilla with a child. Big yellow guy holding a joint and a block of cheese, taking big puffs and bites, bounced around to the energetic sounds of hip hop.
Elephant and Blockhead looked at all that and had no idea what was going on. They were finally noticed, first by the lizard. He flown to them and said,
- You from the future?
Elephant only nodded,
- And you brought Gorg back?
Another nod.
- Sssso, how did you get here?
Blockhead, still struggling to understand what’s going on, only waved the portal gun.
- Mad? He givesss thossse guns to evłyone...
- Yep, he gave them to us. So... what are you guys doing here?
- Oh you know... chillin, banking, talking with chicksss, kissssin on da lipssss you know. – Lizzard was too high to have a conversation so Elephant and Blockhead decided to mingle. They approached one of the aliens, who with friendly voice greeted them in ancient tongue,
- Wazaaaa!
To this Blockhead tried answering, - Waaaa zzzzz – but he failed which didn’t bother the alien.
- I like your style spongebob! – and before Blockhead could even react, an alien just put a joint in his mouth, - here squarepants, that’s why we’re here, take deep breaths.
Blockhead took a few puffs and almost instantly started looking more relaxed.
- So, - Elephant said between taking one puff and the other – how did you get here?
- Dude! – Alien was really amused with that question – we’re aliens! We doin’ alien shit. Like yesterday OG had this idea when we were baked, listen to it,
But before alien told the story he had to light another joint, - so we sittin and bannin and suddenly OG is like “maaan Ima” bored so I am like “maaan Ima tooo” and then OG, my brother says “maaan we should go to those desert folks that praise the river and also shit to the river and make them like build biiiiig banking triangles..”.
- And I’m like – Alien was really enjoying telling this story, he was making big gestures and constantly hugged Elephant – Ima like “maaaaan my brother yo crazy!” But he like “nono no listen listen, we make dem dis big triangle from big blocks and dis triangles like lay there for thousands of years you get me bro? And then when everyone forgets about us telling them people will be like We have many reasons to believe those big triangles on the desert were made by aliens for there was no such technology there... and others would be like you stupid sandwich, those guys made it because SLAVERY!” Man... we love doin alien shit.
Alien finished his story and disappeared in the crowd of cave people. In the meantime Blockhead was totally baked with this primal weed, so he started performing,
- My dear companion in this peculiar quest, shall we engage in more of these delightful coloqueis?
Elephant looked at his square friend – I prefered you stutter. – And he headed for dragons.
Dragons were lying under big trees, smoking joints the size of a grownup. When Elephant approached Purple one spoken,
- What’s the deal?
- Yeah I actually wanted to ask you the same... What’s the deal here? People dancing, in a stone age... We just came here for this weed to stop my friend from stuttering but what about the rest?
Dragon chuckled.
- Man, it’s not a stone age. It’s weed age! We come from many places using many ways, aliens from space use their alien technology, we the dragons smoke time travelling weed. Blissful Wizzard casts spells. Cavemen are hosting. And I think there are like dozen of people who got a portal gun from Mad, he gives it to everyone who he slept with... So you guys are... you know, - dragon flipped his hand.
Elephant looked at Blockhead and realized what the question meant.
- Och no, we just friends. Don’t take me wrong, I just prefer...
Dragon leaned closer to Elephant so he can whisper,
- Curves rather than squares?
- Yep – Elephant answered also whispering,
- Big and chomky curves?
- Mhm,
- Juicy frutti enormous piles of meat and love? – Dragon’s voice got deeper with every word.
- Mhmmmmm – Elephant responded with a dreamy voice and suddenly shook his head, - hey! I’m here on business! We need this Caveman weed!
Dragon leaned back and with suddenly less interested voice said,
- Suit yourself man, I get it. See that big tree, bigger than others – he pointed in a direction where actually there was a big tree standing out – Go there and soon after you leave this place you will stumble upon weed. Take as much as you want, they didn’t yet come up with possessing things.
***
Elephant found Blockhead while he was explaining something to guy totally made of grapes,
- And then this jar breaks...
Before he was able to finish, Elephant grabbed his hand and dragged him out of the crowd. They walked for a while and indeed sooner he anticipated they had found weed. It was much bigger than modern day weed, it had around four meters and Elephant was only able to hold three. Blockhead didn’t bare even one. Then for the last time Elephant looked back in the direction where a big pile of chomky juicy frutti love meat laid and said,
- Go on, shoot us a portal.
So Blockhead pointed his gun in a direction where there were no trees close enough and fired. Big portal appeared and they crossed it without tarry.
Another spin through spiral slide finished by being spit out by the mouth of the time goddess and they found themselves lying on a watermelon field. Elephant shook off his confusion and dizziness and stood slowly, looked around, something wasn’t right. There was no field, only a glade around, and his home. On a small chair sat an old man, he looked like two hundred years old. They approached him.
Old man had totally white hair standing out like dry straws. He had no teeth and his face was covered with wrinkles. It took them a while to recognize the lab robe, once shiny white, now yellow and covered with stains.
- Mm Mad? – Asked Blockhead terrified. Old man opened his eyes.
- Huh? Who are you? – And then he put on big glasses – Guys? Is that you? Oh – he sighed like he was exhaling air that weighted tones – it’s finally you... I’ve been waiting...
- How long? – Elephant felt like his whole world was turned upside down.
- A hundred years... You might not believe it, but it was a hundred years... I’ve developed a special weed that kept me alive to wait for you... and apologize...
Struck with horrific realization they sat down.
- But now I’m dying... for hundred years weed kept me alive. But now it’s banned in Bannica and I have nothing to live for.
- Banned – now terror turned into horror and they lost all interest in living also. Blockhead held his head and started crying,
- I I I just wanted tto ffffind cu cure sso I ccan finnnd myseelf nnice laaady. But now ttthose lladies are all dead! I I I can’t ddate gen Z!
Elephant was looking deep into Mad’s eyes and suddenly they turned from two hundred years old into casual hundred years old mad science guy addicted to half of the existing drugs. They were filled with laughter and joy and he said,
- I’m just banking with you. Which is “fucking” in Bannican by the way.
- What? – they both asked, confused. Mad touched the button on his watch and suddenly wrinkles disappeared, he regained his lean muscles and his hair looked more alive.
- I’m fucking with you! Ha ha ha! – He laughed madly, - I pulled the classic one! I changed into an old man and covered your field with fast growing grass!
Mad was laughing, Elephant and Blockhead were too confused and tired to react.
- I’m a genius! A genius! Suck it Rowan Atkinson, I win comedy! By the way – he went more serious – you’ve been to the party? Neat right? – He seemed really proud of himself.
And then he noticed something on Elephant’s trunk.
- Oh my, you mad dog, you got yourself a dragon call?
- A what? – Elephant tried to find something on his trunk and he noticed strange runes.
- Dragon call, it’s like a phone number but for dragons. You read it while exhaling dragon kush and they come... for closure and stuff... I’ll show you later.
THE END